


Not What You Were Looking For, But Exactly What You Needed

by JinxedAmbitions



Category: The Losers (2010), The Losers - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Asexual Character, Coming Out, Cuddling & Snuggling, F/M, Fear of Discovery, Hallucinations, M/M, Misunderstandings, Panic Attacks, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Self-Medication, Unintentional Self Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-29
Updated: 2015-01-02
Packaged: 2018-03-04 05:59:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 14,779
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2954801
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JinxedAmbitions/pseuds/JinxedAmbitions
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jake Jensen would be the first to admit that he'd have no clue what to do if his constant flirtations were ever returned.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> My plan after the Christmas fic was to finish a short stripper Cougar fic, but then I got an idea for asexual JJ and cuddle puddles...and now about 13k later this fic is a lot darker that I'd originally planned. 
> 
> It's all finished. It's in 3 parts, and I'll probably post today, Wednesday, and the Epilogue on Friday.

Jake Jensen would be the first to admit that he'd have no clue what to do if his constant flirtations were ever returned. He'd been flirting out of self defense since he was about twelve and realized that people thought you were a lot less weird if you flirted with girls instead of computers. You didn't have to be successful, just sort of lovable. It was safer than people thinking you weren't interested.

He'd even had a girlfriend or two, though that was back when girlfriend really just meant one of his female classmates would come over after school and watch cartoons with him. They'd hold hands and maybe kiss. It was better that way. People didn't write cruel things on your locker or harass you about being a freak if you had a girlfriend to hide that stuff behind.

Jake had seen what happened when you didn't play the game. He'd seen friends and strangers ostracized. Most of them for things that didn't even apply to them.

These lessons were hammered home by the military. The military was anti-gay, or at least it was so when Jake enlisted, but they'd rather not ask and you not tell than think you're not interested in anything. For some reason, “I'm just not really interested in sex” translated to “I have a super weird fetish that I can't cop to, so I'll just pretend I don't like anything.”

Jake would never understand this reasoning, but on the two extremely rare occasions that he admitted to another soldier that he thought himself to be asexual they immediately went in that direction. Private Richards gave him a weird look as they stumbled home from the bar that night and asked, “is it animals? Do you say you don't like women or men because you like dogs or something?”

Jensen nearly choked on his tongue. Jensen may have gotten on pretty well with dogs, but he didn't have a spectacular relationship with any other species, especially cats. The thought of doing _something_ with any of them made him feel a little queasy, but then the thought of doing anything with most people left him feeling a little queasy too.

Private Richards seemed to actually be relieved by the gut punch Jake gave him. It made Jake feel a little better too, but he swore never to tell another soldier.

That lasted till his first spec ops team. He'd liked the guys. They didn't mind his constant chatter or his constant flirting with anything that moved, or didn't move because he flirted with his laptop more than anything. They were good to him especially since he was still new to everything Black Ops.

Then they took him out for his birthday. The big two-five. It was some seedy strip join in a stop over city on their way back home. The mission had gone well, and everyone was feeling pretty good. So, the guys threw in a little extra and bought him a girl for the night or hour, not just a lap dance. Jake knew what to do when girls danced up on him. He was polite and respectful of the rules while he jabbered a mile a minute.

He had no idea what to do about being expected to have sex with one of the dancers. Well, he understood what was expected, but not how to get out of it without truly embarrassing himself.

The woman's name was Anna, and she looked like she could punch a hole right through him if he pissed her off. Seriously, the Army should invest in pole dancing classes because this woman put most of the recruits Jake had met to shame. Jake was mildly terrified of her even though he was six inches taller than her, and his arms were nothing to scoff at, but he preferred to use them for hugging, unless you were armed to the teeth and looking to kill him.

Anna didn't look like she wanted to kill him, but that only made it worse. She took one look at how skittish he got as soon as they were alone, and she put on her most soothing voice. “You never been with a girl before?” she'd cooed as she pushed him onto the chaise in the room. She stood in front of him, rubbing his shoulders, and if the sex work didn't pan out for her, she would make an incredible masseuse.

Jake, of course, told her this, and she'd laughed. It sounded far too light and happy to be trapped in this place with far too much vinyl seating and red walls. He didn't tell her that because even he knew it might be too rude.

“Your shoulders are very tense. Why are you so nervous?” she asked, taking a seat in his lap.

Jensen stuttered a few times before finding a sufficiently vague answer. “A bunch of reasons, I guess.”

“Is it performance? It is my job to please you, so don't be afraid you will disappoint me. Is it size? I assure you that I have seen every shape and size, and most men should spend more time worrying where to find the clit than how big they are.”

Jake actually snorted at that.

“Do you not find me attractive?”

“It's not that I don't find you attractive. Objectively, I'd say you are extremely beautiful. You have very soft, pretty brown hair. You have beautiful eyes, and your cheeks become a very flattering shade when you laugh. Your body is incredible. Strong, but also soft...I'm just not attracted to it,” he finished in a mumble.

“You like boys?” she asked, cocking her head to the side. “Military does not like that, yes?”

“I don't really like boys anymore than girls, and no the military isn't so fond of homosexuals...or asexuals it would seem,” he said with an awkward shrug.

“What is that?”

“Um, I'm not really attracted to anyone. Like you're hot, but you don't make me hot?”

“You do not like sex?” she asked, looking very interested in what he had to say.

“I can't say I've really tried, but I've never really wanted to either?” It came out like a question, but Anna seemed to understand.

“What do you like then?” It didn't sound accusatory or disbelieving. She was genuinely interested.

“I like hugs. I like them a lot, and cuddles. I mean I usually only get cuddles from my sister's dogs when I'm mopey, but they're pretty great. I like kissing too...not dogs. Totally not into dogs. A guy asked me that once when I told him, but the answer is no. If I was going to do _it_ , it'd be with a human...I just don't really want to...do it,” Jake rambled, his hands on Anna's hips holding her steady.

Anna laughed again, but it wasn't malicious sounding. When she finished, she leaned in and pressed her lips to his.

“I thought kissing was a no-no, or at least that's what _Pretty Woman_ told me,” Jake said when she pulled back.

She just smiled at him as she got off his lap. “Lie down,” she ordered, and she sounded so powerful that Jake didn't even question it. When he was on his back, she straddled his hips, but instead of doing anything overly sexual, she laid down over his body and rested her head on his chest. “We have thirty minutes, so cuddle as you wish,” she said, and Jake wrapped his arms around her as soon as the words slipped out of her mouth.

It had been awesome, and when their time was up, Anna rose to her tiptoes and mussed his hair up then half untucked his shirt. She gave him a conspiratorial smile before waving him goodbye. “You'll find the right person one day,” she told him. “They'll love to hug till your heart's content, and they'll be there for you in ways maybe you aren't expecting.”

“You really think so?” Jake asked, refraining from opening the door just one more moment. He didn't want to go back to lying to his team just yet.

“I do. Just don't be too blind to see it,” she said with a wave.

Jake couldn't contain the happy smile he'd worn as he walked out of the back area. The team had patted him on the back and asked how good she was. They ribbed him hard when he smiled and said she was the best.

“Fallin' for hookers now, Jensen?” his CO had asked.

“Nah,” Jake shook his head, but still smiled.

That night when they'd gone back to base, Tucker, his bunk mate, asked how tight the hooker's pussy was. Jake really didn't know what the appropriate answer was. He also didn't really want to talk about Anna that way as she'd been so kind to him.

“Come on, Jensen. Don't keep all that to yourself. She was damn fine. I bet she was tight as a glove, and she made the lewdest sounds when you fucked her hard,” Tucker said.

“Uh, yeah. She, um, was really tight. Felt real good,” Jake mumbled.

“Dude that's it? Did you grab her tits? She had nice tits. Did she let you suck on 'em? Some'll let you do that. Joint that seedy would probably let you come on 'em if you paid enough. Man, I'd love to just unload all over her chest—”

“Don't talk about her like that. It's crude, and she doesn't deserve that,” Jake growled, and Tucker snorted.

“You really are fallin' for a hooker.”

“You're really an asshole if that's all you see her as.”

“And what do you see her as?”

“A person.”

“A person with big tits and a dripping hole you were more than willing to fill up because you were horny, and she was useful.”

“I didn't fuck her!” Jake knew his tongue had definitely gotten away from him. He was too used to being easygoing with the team, and he'd finally done it.

“What do you mean? We fucking paid her to fuck you,” Tucker demanded, and Jake wanted to crawl under some barbed wire to avoid this conversation.

“We cuddled and kissed a bit,” he muttered.

“You what?”

“I said—”

“We paid nearly two hundred dollars so you could hug a hooker? What the hell is wrong with you?” Tucker sounded irate, and Jake couldn't exactly blame him, but he also hadn't asked for a hooker for his birthday.

“I just don't really like sex?”

“Are you gay?”

“No.”

“It's robots isn't it? You're one of those freaks who built himself a fucking robot to stick his dick in, or do you have it fuck you?”

Jake is furious now too. “I don't have a fucking robot. Maybe you should get one though since all you think about is sex, you fucking perv...”

That was about when Tucker dove off his bunk to punch Jake in the face. It was an all out brawl, made worse when Tucker told the others how he'd spent their money. The flight home with cracked ribs and more bruises than a piñata was less than pleasant. Being reassigned for insubordination was even less pleasant.

After that, he promised himself never to tell another soul. If that meant fucking a few people along the way, well that was a small price to pay. Luckily, most people didn't flirt back, and if they did it was just because he was entertaining. He didn't get too many offers for sex.

Less fortunately, Jake couldn't keep a team for the life of him. It was always something. They either heard rumors about him, or he let his mouth get away from him. It always ended the same, another mark one his record, another team.

When he got to the Losers, he knew it was his last chance. He also knew it was just a matter of time before he fucked this up too. Surprisingly, they didn't seem to give a shit about his record or gossip. They cared that he was competent, and he got along with them.

He passed both tests even though Roque threatened to stab him regularly. Jensen learned that that was a sign of affection from the man. Everything was going great until they got assigned a permanent sniper. The best of the best, but he had a record blacker than Jensen's. They didn't trust him not to kill the teams they sent him in with, and while it was never confirmed that he'd murdered a former team, that was the gossip.

Cougar Alvarez was silent as the grave when he chose to be, which was most of the time. He was lethal, and he was mysterious. Women _loved_ him. They hung off him when they all went out. Sometimes he'd leave with two or even three. Jake didn't really understand it, but it did take the heat away from him. No one questioned why Jake had no success with the ladies when he was standing near Cougar.

It should've been perfect, but then Clay made them bunk together. Jake hadn't had a bunk mate since Tucker. It was sort of the unwritten rule when he was assigned to a team. No one was forced to share a room with the freak. It made sense that Clay would ignore that since he'd ignored all the warnings about him being a freak.

Cougar was actually a very considerate roommate, and Jake just didn't get it. He didn't even give off the annoyed sort of vibes that Jake's ramblings usually brought out of people. He even smirked at some of the things that Jensen said.

It was almost as though Cougar liked him, and Jake really didn't know what to do with that. So, he just got louder and more ridiculous, and Cougar just sat there cleaning his weapons—not even in a threatening manner, the man just took pride in his weapons—or reading a book. And then he started talking.

The first time that Cougar said something to him that wasn't directly related to a mission, Jake jumped out of his chair and grabbed his gun. He couldn't be blamed for thinking they were under attack. Okay, maybe he could since Cougar's actual words were, “Are you hungry? I'm headed to the mess.”

Cougar actually laughed at his reaction. Like opened his mouth and laughter came out, not just looked less deadly than usual.

“Oh um, sure. I can always eat,” Jake said as he tried to save face, but completely failed. Cougar shook his head, but waved Jake along with him.

Since then, Cougar and Jake had been somewhat inseparable. Jake rambled endlessly to him, and Cougar actually responded because he listened to Jake. Like honest to God listened and made thoughtful comments when Jake paused. He even made sense of the bits Jake just threw out there because they were in his head and wanted to be out.

Cougar even defended him. Some guy made a snide comment about Jake being a freak in the mess one day, and Cougar glared him down. That would've been enough for Jake to love Cougar, but then three days later a gift basket arrived with a note from Sergeant Flores saying he was extremely sorry if he offended Corporal Jensen, and he hoped Jake would accept his apology, and if he could please call off the crazy ass sniper he'd be forever grateful.

Jake had happily shared the box of candies and bottles of wine with Cougar. Cougar snorted when Jake showed him the note. “Coug, play nice. I don't care what people say. I've got you guys, and that's what counts,” Jake said as he held out a dark chocolate truffle. Cougar's favorite. Yeah, Jake wasn't above bribery.

“If you wish,” Cougar replied as he took the offered chocolate. Jake couldn't help the little smile he got because Cougar was protective of him.

Jake never thought to tell Cougar, because he'd promised never to tell anyone again. He'd pushed it so far down that it wasn't even something he considered to be a part of himself anymore. Jake wasn't asexual. He was just the guy with no game because his best friend was the hottest man alive.

However, it was also so intrinsically part of him that he still forgot that if he flirted with someone, there was still a slim chance they'd think he was genuinely interested and flirt back. Flirting was also so much a part of his personality that it was only a matter of time before he innocently flirted with Cougar.

It started like any other night out. The two of them grabbed dinner together before heading to one of the bars near base. Jensen wasn't even really aware that he was snitching french fries right off of Cougar's plate in full view of other humans. Cougar didn't even stab him with a fork. Cougar had stabbed a soldier in the mess once for trying to steal his dessert. Clearly, the man hadn't known the stories when his friends dared him to do it. Cougar had quickly fixed that.

However, Jake had been snitching food off his plate for months. It balanced out because Jake would sneak Cougar treats like a giant solid dark chocolate Easter bunny, which Cougar gnawed at daintily when the team wasn't watching.

So, stealing fries off Cougar's plate while he rambled about his latest brilliant coup on the internet didn't even register with Jensen. Neither did the fact that they basically split their dinners down the middle and shared. Cougar ate half of Jake's Ruben, cutting it neatly before dipping pieces into Jensen's trough of dressing, and Jake had stolen more wings than Cougar had eaten.

“Did I show you the pictures my sister sent me?” Jake asked as he dipped one of Cougar's fries into his dressing. Cougar shook his head eating several fries while Jake was occupied with his one. “Oh man, well she says my niece won't shut up now that she's talking. And she sent me pictures of her running all over the house. You'll love 'em,” Jake said, absolutely certain, even though Cougar never really made any mention of any sort of fondness for children. Jake just knew. “I'll show you tomorrow while we're hungover and miserable.”

Cougar smiled and nodded, then he pushed his plate over to Jake, finished with his fries. Jake didn't even question it as he dumped Thousand Islands dressing all over them.

After dinner, they wandered down the block to their regular bar. Jake bumped shoulders with Cougar as they walked, rambling about how he wasn't going to strike out that night. He was going to take a hottie home. Cougar smiled at him and gave him a punch.

Jake bought the first round, and he wasn't even ashamed that his drink was blue and had more fruit sticking out of it than a fruit basket. He got Cougar a beer, but immediately offered the sniper a sip of his own drink. Cougar raised an eyebrow as Jake held up the crazy straw that the bar started stocking as a birthday present to Jake, who spent a good chunk of his pay checks in the establishment.

Cougar took a sip of the drink and made a face at the warring flavors. “Great isn't it?” Jake asked, wrapping his arm around Cougar and grinning. Cougar just shook his head giving Jake one of his 'you're crazy, but I'm fond of you' smiles. Jake just grinned harder as he drank from his straw.

“You know Coug, if you keep smiling at me like that, I'm gonna start to think that you actually like me,” Jake said, making fast headway with his drink.

Cougar snorted, sipping his beer. A pair of women came over shortly after, and Jake grinned as he immediately started to flirt poorly with them. Cougar didn't say much, but he never really had to in order to get a girl's attention.

One of the women insinuated herself between Jensen and Cougar, and Jake laughed. “Oh hi there,” he said as his arm was now draped over her shoulder instead of Cougar's. “Got sucked over here, didn't ya? Sometimes I think Cougar keeps magnets in his pockets because you just can resist his pull, right?” Jake said, and Cougar gave him an amused look while the girl shrugged off Jake's arm.

The other girl moved to Cougar's other side, avoiding Jake completely, so Jake just shrugged. “Want another?” he asked Cougar as he held up his own empty.

“Sí, gracias,” Cougar said, handing over his own empty drink. Jake didn't really register the way their fingers brushed. He was too busy listening to the two women ask about whether Spanish was Cougar's native language.

Jake sighed as Cougar gave them his attention, and he went back to the bar. Phil, the bartender, gave Jake a smile as he pushed a bright yellow drink at Jake this time. Jake leaned against the bar, chomping on his pineapple garnish.

“Your friend busy with the ladies again?” Phil asked, and Jake glanced over his shoulder to see that Cougar had picked up another stray woman. The damn man had charisma just oozing out of his pores when he wasn't being scary as hell with a sniper rifle.

“Yeah. They're crazy about him, huh?” Jake laughed sipping his new drink.

“Doesn't it make you jealous?”

“Jealous? Of Cougar? No way, man. Cougar's great. He always listens when you speak. He doesn't speak a lot, but he always says the right thing when he does. He's all swarthy and whatnot. I can't blame the ladies for being drawn to that,” Jake just shrugged as though it never occurred to him to be jealous, because it honestly never had.

“But he steals all your girls,” Phil sounded very disbelieving.

“They aren't my girls. It's their right to be interested in whoever they choose.”

“You're weird, Jensen.”

Jake just shrugged again as he grabbed his and Cougar's drinks and headed back over to his friend. “Here we are. One manly beer for the large deadly kitty, and one tasty beverage for me,” Jake said as he pressed the pint into Cougar's hand. He lifted his drink and clinked it against Cougar's with a lopsided smile that Cougar returned with his own amused smirk.

Jake was about to wander off in search of someone to ramble at, but as he scoped the place out, Cougar tugged on his sleeve. Jake looked at him questioningly.

“Stay,” Cougar said then introduced Jake to each of the women with them. The girls were polite, and Sarah, the newcomer, started talking to him about video games when he mentioned he was good with computers.

As the night went on, Jake found himself sitting next to Cougar at a round table talking to several girls. Jake, being the tactile person he was, didn't think much of it as he touched Cougar's shoulder when talking about some of the antics they'd gotten into or wrapping his arm around his shoulder when he whispered in his ear.

Cougar didn't seem to notice either, so Jake just kept on doing it. He also kept downing those mixed drinks Phil was making him, and the room might have been spinning a little.

“Ladies, have I told you about the time that Coug scared the hell out of this douchebag soldier to defend my honor?” The girls laughed, and Jake pulled Cougar close and grinned drunkenly at him. “My white knight,” he said as he looked into Cougar's eyes, or he thought he did. There were four of them now, so he couldn't be positive.

“Jake, I think we should head home,” Cougar whispered into his ear.

“But we're making friends. Right girls?” Jake turned back to the table to find that they were alone. “Where'd they go?”

“It doesn't matter. Let's get you home,” Cougar said gently as he pulled Jake to his feet. Jensen stumbled, but Cougar caught him around the waist and held him steady.

The walk back was slow. Jensen was all over Cougar for most of it. His own feet betrayed him with every step he tried to take. “You're the best, Coug. Always pickin' me up when I stumble. Lookin' out for me. Laughin' at my jokes. I love you, man,” Jake slurred as they walked.

Cougar was quiet, but he held Jake a little tighter at those words. “You give good hugs too. The best hugs!” Jake said, pulling Cougar into a hug in the middle of the sidewalk. Cougar actually laughed and squeezed him back gently as Jake buried his face in his neck.

When they got back to their room, Jensen couldn't stand on his own without swaying, so Cougar helped him out of his jeans and t-shirt. They didn't bother with pajamas, and Jake just flopped on his bed.

“I bet you're the best cuddler,” Jake slurred, too inebriated to filter his words. “I love cuddling. We should cuddle.”

He wasn't sure, but he thought Cougar raised an eyebrow at the suggestion, but he also pulled off his shirt and jeans and climbed into bed with Jake. “Turn on your side,” Cougar whispered to him, and Jake complied. Cougar wrapped his strong arm around Jake's stomach, and pulled Jake close to his body. Jake was asleep before he could really think about what they were doing.

Jake woke with a splitting headache and a fierce need to empty his stomach. He registered a body wrapped around his, and froze. He began to panic until Cougar sat up. “Come,” Cougar said as he helped Jake to his feet.

Jake barely made it to the bathroom in time with Cougar's help. He could only assume that he would've puked all over the hallway without him. Cougar even rubbed his back and held his forehead as Jake lost everything he'd eaten the night before. Those had been really good fries too.

Cougar didn't say anything, but he pressed a water bottle into Jake's hands when he seemed to be finished. He also handed him several aspirin. Jake gave him a weak smile that he hoped conveyed just how grateful he was. Cougar ran his fingers through Jake's sweaty and mussed hair, then he helped Jake to his feet again. Now that the need to puke everywhere had passed, Jake was suddenly aware of how much everything else hurt.

“Oh god, what'd I do to deserve this?” Jake groaned as Cougar practically carried him back to bed.

“You let Phil make you drinks all night,” Cougar said simply as he helped Jake onto his bed.

“Hey, where are you going?” Jake asked as Cougar turned away.

Cougar just held up on finger to say he'd be a minute, and Jake figured that yeah maybe he might have to pee or something.

Jensen was on his side again feeling completely sorry for himself when something cool and damp pressed itself to the back of his neck. Jensen almost shot off the bed, but Cougar placed a calming hand on his shoulder. “Just me,” he said as he climbed back into bed and wrapped his arm around Jake again. He pressed the damp cloth to Jake's face and neck, soothing some of the heat and pain. “Wake me if you need anything,” he ordered as he got settled in.

Jake fell asleep soon as well, though it wasn't a very restful sleep. Cougar held him the whole time he recovered from his hangover though, and that was pretty great. Jake vaguely remembered telling Cougar he'd be a great cuddler, and he certainly was living up to the assessment.

Cougar brought him water and crackers all morning, and he helped Jake down the hallway when he needed to piss. He went and told Clay that Jake was sick with a stomach bug, and Clay—having no reason not to trust the sniper's word—believed him and left Jensen alone.

When Jensen tried to sneak his laptop into bed with him, Cougar grabbed him around the waist and laid on top of him, until he was forced to move Cougar or go back to sleep. Seeing as Jake was about as weak as a newborn kitten at the moment, he grumbled then promptly fell asleep wrapped in Cougar's arms again.

After that, things changed between them, but it was so seamless that Jake barely realized it. He and Cougar would always be in each others space. It wasn't anything that they really thought about, but Jake would look over Cougar's shoulder when he read or Cougar would pop up in his space as he worked at his computer. They'd bring each other snacks when the other was too occupied with something to remember to eat.

They were best friends, and the whole team just accepted that Jake knew exactly where Cougar was when he'd slink off, or Cougar was watching Jake's back when he ran head first into trouble. It was the first time that Jake felt what it was like to have a real friend that he could just be himself around.

No one batted an eye when Jake would put Cougar in an affectionate headlock in the middle of the base or Cougar let him eat right off his tray when Jake was keyed up, but couldn't eat an entire meal. He'd just sit across from Cougar, knee bouncing and jittery from too much caffeine, and he'd pick off of Cougar's plate while he rambled.

When Jensen would get injured on a mission, Cougar would perch at his bedside until the infirmary released him. When Cougar was injured, Jake would argue with the nursing staff over whether he could set up all of his tech equipment in Cougar's area. The answer was no, no matter how many times he asked or begged or threatened to call the ACLU because his rights were being stomped on.

Clay didn't say anything, Roque didn't care, and Pooch was just happy to see Jensen and Cougar finally settling into the team.

Of course, Jensen would be the one to fuck it up.

It was a night like any other. They'd just gotten back from a mission that had gone sideways, but they'd all made it back in one piece...barely. They were all at the bar, and acting as raucous as they could without getting kicked out.

Jake was jittery as hell. He'd been the one that almost didn't make it back. He'd been pinned down. It had come out of nowhere, and somehow Cougar had found the shot to get him out of there. So, Jake was feeling a little vulnerable and a lot antsy. He spilled his drink twice before he got a sip of it, but the others were too concerned with their own relief to pay much attention to Jake.

Cougar did though. He squeezed Jake's leg under the table, and he didn't move around the bar picking up women. Instead he sat with Jake and listened to him ramble frantically. Jake wasn't even sure why this close call was the one that was fucking with him. It wasn't like he could even count the number of close calls he'd had before, there were so many.

Cougar was a steady presence beside him though, and while Jake didn't exactly calm down, he eased up enough to lean into Cougar. “God Coug, what would I do without you? I don't just mean on mission. I mean yeah, I'd be dead as a doornail if you didn't have my back, but I don't know what I'd do without you here,” Jake said, squeezing Cougar's shoulder.

Cougar didn't say anything, but he gave Jake a warm smile, and that was enough. Jake pretty much clung to him until Cougar decided it was time to head home. He waved off Pooch when he offered to drive them, and they slowly walked back to their house.

When they got back to their room, Jake was still leaning on Cougar, listing off the reasons Cougar was awesome. He was on how badass he looked in the hat when Cougar pinned him to the wall and kissed him. It was a shock, but it was also the best kiss Jake had ever taken part in. Cougar was an expert, exerting the perfect amount of pressure and coaxing Jake's lips open. Jake froze for a moment just accepting the passionate kiss, and then he fumbled to return it.

Nearly dying definitely ignited his desire for human connection. Jake just wanted to be safe in Cougar's arms, far away from the rest of the world. He wrapped his arms around Cougar and held him close as they continued to nip and press at each others mouths.

Jake felt safe for the first time since the mission went sideways. Cougar was with him. Cougar had his back. Cougar always knew what he needed.

And then Cougar reached down and started to unbuckle his belt. Jake froze. Cougar had no idea. Cougar was pushing him. Cougar was just like everyone else.

Jake couldn't exactly say what made him decide to punch Cougar in the face for touching his belt buckle, but that seemed like the most natural course of action to take. It was obvious that Cougar was taking a piss. He'd heard the rumors, and he'd just waited for the right time to fuck with him. And boy did he pick a great time for maximum Jake fuck-with-ing.

Jake didn't plan to stick around for the retaliation. He'd been there and done that before. His ribs still ached sometimes when it rained from Tucker and his first team. He wasn't expecting Cougar to grab his wrist as he fumbled with the door, so it really wasn't all that surprising to Jake that he kicked out and nailed Cougar in the knee. Jake had never been good about being cornered after the Tucker incident.

“Get the fuck off! Fuck you!” Jake only realized he was shouting as he scrambled away. He didn't even look back to see if Cougar was following him as he rushed out of the room, then the house.

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: Jensen's really not in a good headspace throughout most of this chapter, so if you are sensitive to the themes of this story know that it's going to get worse before better.

Jake didn't stop moving until he was in some seedy motel about a mile away from base. It was the one that the soldiers brought their evening entertainment to, as opposed to the ones their families stayed at while visiting. Jake's mind was racing as he paid cash for the night. His brain ticked off the things he'd have to eventually do when he returned to base. He'd have to wipe his computers if they were going to arrest him. He'd have to talk to Clay. Apologize to the team for being a freak. 

Jake sat on the stained sheets of the lumpy bed, rocking back and forth. He thought about how badly he'd hurt Cougar. How could he have been so wrong about him?

Jake didn't even notice the first time his phone rang. He was too wrapped up in his own head. The second time, he only heard the notification for the voicemail, but he ignored it. The third, forth, and fifth time, Jake became more and more paranoid. Cougar had told them what had happened, that Jake had attacked him. He told them that he was a freak just like the whole base said.

They'd be coming for him. Jake really wasn't sure what made him think putting the rickety chair in front of the door was going to help keep anyone out, but that's what he did. Jake tried to breath through his racing thoughts, but worry about Cougar and his team was starting to weave together with memories from the mission.

Jake wasn't even sure when he started to pace, but pacing soon became checking the doors and windows on every pass. That soon turned into staying out of the line of sight of doors and windows.

He was vaguely aware of text messages pouring in, but they only served to put him further on edge. Jake wasn't even sure how he ended up in the bathroom. Maybe he thought it was the most easily defensible part of the room. Maybe he had to take a leak. It was anyone's guess, but then he saw himself in the foggy, mildewy mirror.

“Freak,” he spat at himself. And the way his reflection spat it right back incensed him. He yelled and cursed at himself all of the hateful things his own teams had said about him over the years, until he couldn't stand the scorn of his own reflection anymore.

\---

Jake woke to a pounding on the motel room door. His head was killing him, and when he went to rub it, his hand came away crusted in blood. Jake looked up to see the bathroom mirror was shattered, and there was glass all around him. The room faded in and out for a second as he pushed himself off the floor.

Jake staggered to the door, pulled the chair away, and opened it to the motel's manager. He was too out of it to have considered beforehand who might have been behind it. “Past checkout. Get out or pay up,” the man said calmly. The man had to have balls of steal to police a bunch of horny servicemen, but then if he refused them a room they were shit out of luck.

“How much for the bathroom mirror?” Jake asked, reaching into his pocket.

“Forty, and you clean it up, then get out,” he man said before turning on his heel and returning to his office. He didn't even comment on Jake's state.

Jake sighed as he wiped at his forehead again. He couldn't even look in the mirror to see the damage. He grabbed his phone as he passed the bed, and looked to see nine missed calls, seven new voicemails, and thirty-two new text messages. Clay was going to murder him, or maybe he'd let Roque do it and just watch.

Jake felt sick, and he ended up taking turns between cleaning up the mess he'd made and throwing up in the toilet next to it. When the mirror was in the dumpster out back, and Jake had paid for the damages, he sat on the curb and started to go through the messages.

_Jake, someone attacked Cougar. Were you with him? Are you okay? We're bringing him to the infirmary. Meet us there._

Jake was confused by Clay's first message, and then the second didn't clear anything up either.

_Jensen, answer your damn phone. Are you okay? Cougar's in observation right now. He's definitely got a broken nose, but they need to take x-rays of his knee._

Or the third, which was from Pooch.

_Jake, man, you're freakin' us out. Where are you? Cougar's not taking this well. The doctors want to sedate him. Call me back, man. We're fucking worried._

Roque left the fourth message, and in between all of the cursing and threats to whomever might have done this to Cougar and possibly Jensen, he mentioned that Cougar might need surgery on the knee.

Clay was messages five thru seven, and they escalated from, “we are worried, where are you?” to, “I swear to go, I will skin whoever did this alive with my fuckin' teeth, so help me. Pick up the damn phone Jake.”

That last bit was left about thirty minutes before Jake woke up. The text messages were mostly updates on Cougar's status. As of 10:15 they had decided that Cougar would not need surgery, but he'd be wearing a brace for a while and have a lot of physical therapy before he was in the field again. Jake felt sick reading that because no matter how Cougar might have treated him last night, he was the best guy to have your back. Cougar never missed, and he'd get himself into positions that were impossible for most people.

He also learned from the messages that Cougar never told them that Jake was the one who hurt him. Jake took a cab back to base, and stumbled into the infirmary without really taking a look at his face. When a nurse saw him hunting down his team, she grabbed him and insisted he see a doctor.

Jake didn't understand why until he saw his reflection and the shard of glass still sticking out of his skin near his hairline. To say that Clay was irate when he found Jensen was an understatement. He was threatening to tear the entire base apart until he found who was responsible for fucking with his team. Jake felt the guilt pile onto his shoulders as Clay assured him that he could tell him what he remembered, and Clay would take care of it.

Thankfully, since he had a pretty bad concussion and a head wound that required more stitches than Jake had fingers, claiming that he didn't remember wasn't unbelievable. Of course, just saying those words over and over to Clay, to the doctors and nurses, to the MPs made Jensen feel sick.

Jake didn't know why Cougar hadn't told anyone. Maybe he was afraid it would come out that he might like men if he did. Maybe his pride couldn't stand being beaten up by a freak like Jake. Jake needed to find out before he confessed to anything.

Of course, under Clay's demands, he and Cougar were on beds next to each other as soon as Jake's face was fixed. Jake was shaking as soon as he was wheeled into the room, but Cougar was so heavily sedated that he didn't even turn to look at the newcomers in the room.

“Jeez man, I'm glad you're okay,” Pooch told him as they settled him into his bed.

“Yeah, thanks me too,” Jake mumbled, sinking as far into the hard mattress as he could. The team fussed over him while Cougar was out cold. Cougar hadn't woken up yet when Clay, Roque, and Pooch were herded out of the room for the night. There was an MP stationed outside just in case, and Cougar hadn't really come out of his drug induced nap yet.

So, Jake laid in his bed watching Cougar's chest rise and fall. It would've felt like any other night, if not for the giant rift between them now. If not for the bandages that covered both of them. All of them Jake's fault.

The longer that Jake watched Cougar, the worse he felt. He didn't really know what to think now that he was a day removed from it. Looking at Cougar now, he wasn't very threatening. He also hadn't told Clay that it was all Jensen's fault which would've been easy to do.

Jake knew the exact moment that Cougar came to, and it felt as though the temperature of the room dropped ten degrees. Cougar stared straight at the ceiling, never turning to face Jake, but Jake knew he was aware of him. Pain medication or not, Cougar always took stock of his surroundings.

Jake wanted to say something, but he was still furious at Cougar even if he felt guilty for injuring him. Cougar had pinned him to the wall and attacked him. Maybe it hadn't been violent, but it was still an attack, especially with DADT still in place. Jensen told himself that it wasn't cowardly to roll onto his side, facing away from Cougar. He'd earned what little privacy he could get.

Cougar never moved or said anything. The silence was deafening, and Jake wished he could escape.

Jensen was released after 24 hours, but he was confined to their house until he was fully recovered. The investigation didn't get very far since there were no witnesses and neither Cougar nor Jensen were saying anything. Jake didn't know why everyone wasn't pointing fingers at him. Wouldn't it be logical to think they'd done it to each other? Jake constantly felt like any minute the MPs were going to march in and haul him off.

None came, and Jake moped around his room until Cougar was released. Then things got even more awkward. Clay put Jake in charge of making sure that Cougar was alright, as though they were still attached at the hip.

The problem was that Cougar hadn't said a word to Jake since the incident, and Jake wasn't really in the mood to talk to him either. He did ramble though, because head injury or not, he was still Jacob Jensen, and he loved to talk. However, now his words seemed to put Cougar on edge. He could see it in the tenseness of Cougar's shoulders. He could see it in the way he'd grip his gun as he cleaned it. Jake actually wondered if he'd end up like Cougar's last team, but almost as soon as the thought entered his mind he scolded himself for it. No one really knew what happened to Cougar's last team, and it had fucked with Cougar enough to give him awful nightmares.

Jake really wanted to ask for a different room, but he knew that would be suspicious. He couldn't afford to look suspicious after everything. So, Jake began to withdraw. He knew the team could see it, but he didn't really know what else to do. He wanted to talk to Cougar about it, but he didn't know what to say.

Jake was terrified when Clay asked him to attend physical therapy with Cougar. Clay said it was so that Cougar didn't growl at any of the therapists, but Jake felt like it was some elaborate punishment.

Cougar growled alright. He growled right at Jake when Jake tried to help him down onto the mat. He cursed in Spanish when Jake let go and darted away from him, causing Cougar to fall the rest of the way. Jake was kicked out of the session until he could get a hold of himself.

Jake was jumpier than a bunny on meth. He flinched when someone unexpectedly entered the room. He started to fidget when someone blocked his exit. He couldn't shut up if his life depended on it when he got nervous which was almost always these days. Jake felt nothing like himself. He was out of control, and he honestly didn't know if it had anything to do with Cougar or if it was something deeper.

Of course, the person he would've talked to about it all, well Cougar hadn't said a word to him since the incident. It wasn't as obvious as it felt to Jake because Cougar was just more silent around everyone. It was like the first weeks he'd been with the team, but Jake had learned Cougar's silent language over the time they'd been friends. However, now it was like reading gibberish.

So, Jake got twitchier and Cougar brooded, and the team watched them like they were going to crack and murder everyone if someone so much as breathed wrong. It was tense to say the least. Thank god they weren't cleared for active duty yet, or it probably would have been a whole lot worse.

Cougar limped around with determination as soon as he could. He'd disappear for hours, and when Clay asked Jake where Cougar had gone, Jake cringed and said he didn't know. Jake assumed he spent a lot of his time at the range, but he was too much of a coward to go confirm that. Instead, he threw himself into his computers. His sister sent pictures of his baby niece, and Jake would turn to Cougar's side of the room only to remember that they weren't really talking.

Jake knew that things couldn't last like this. He'd jumped under the kitchen table when the coffeemaker gurgled one day. He wasn't even sure what his brain thought that sound was since it was distinctively the coffeemaker noise. He had nightmares that felt so real he woke up swinging. It wasn't just Cougar either. He was afraid of the whole team's rejection. Things started to fall apart because Jensen was cracking. Jake really only realized it when Pooch came into his room one afternoon while he was adding yet another layer of encryption to his files.

“Hey, Jake. Has Cougar talked to you about what happened?” Pooch asked, casually leaning against the doorway.

“Talked to me? Why would he talk to me?” Jake almost squeaked as he felt backed into the corner. Clearly, Pooch knew something. He was just using that friendly, concerned look as an interrogation tactic.

“Uh, because you're his best friend and you were there too,” Pooch looked at Jake like he'd grown another head.

“Did he say that? Have you been talking to him about it? Has he been talking about it? I swear I have no idea what you're talking about,” Jake rattled off faster than a bullet from Cougar's rifle.

“Ugh, you okay man?” Pooch stepped into the room, and Jake couldn't help the way he rolled his chair back just a little. He could still make it out the window if Pooch cornered him. He'd researched this in the many hours he'd spent alone in his room.

“Why wouldn't I be okay? Why the sudden inquisition? Did you know the Spanish Inquisi—”

“Dude take a breath. Maybe you got hit harder than we thought,” Pooch looked painfully concerned as Jake continued to mutter about the Inquisition.

Jake didn't breathe normally until Pooch left the room, then he realized how conspicuous he'd just acted, and he started to panic again. He paced the room muttering to himself, jumping between assurances that no one would know and condemnations for being so easily spooked. He checked the windows. He checked his computers. He checked the guns, the knives, the closets and drawers.

He even tried climbing into the closet, but his spare equipment took too much space. He was tugging at his hair when he remembered watching Cougar stow his medication instead of taking what was recommended. If he couldn't escape, maybe he could calm his mind just for a little while.

He ended up digging through Cougar's bag and finding the sedatives he'd been hiding there. He popped two and sat on his bed trying to calm down. He felt his eyelids begin to droop as he sat there, but he suddenly didn't have the energy to crawl under the covers.

His room faded into one of the many compounds they'd infiltrated as a team, but Jake was surrounded by hostiles. There weren't any windows for Cougar to see through. There was no shot to save Jake. He fought as they came for him, but there were too many. They beat him to the ground as he screamed for his team. No one was coming for him. He wasn't worth saving. He could've sworn he heard Clay give the command to pull out without him over the comms.

Jake screamed as one of them held him down, shouting at him. His arms and legs were wrestled to the ground, and someone shouted in his ear. It sounded like Cougar, and suddenly Cougar was one of them. He put all of him weight on Jake, yelling at him that he wasn't worth saving. He was a traitor.

The others were there too, not just the Losers. His old teams helped hold him down. They cursed at him and told him he'd get what he deserved.

He couldn't make out the words anymore. They were garbled, but Cougar kept yelling. Slowly, words started to make sense again.

“Jake! Breathe! I'm here. Breathe for me!”

It was only then that Jake realized he was choking. He tried to suck in air, but his lungs were fighting him. He tried to scream, but nothing but coughs came out. He felt something damp on his face and he wanted to beg not to be tortured.

“Jake, calm. Breathe with me. Come on,” Cougar's voice coaxed, but Jake couldn't find the strength to breathe. Fingers wiped the wetness on his face away, and distantly Jake recognized it as his own tears. Then he felt something close over his mouth, and he tried to fight it, but suddenly his lungs were filling. Pressure on his chest helped him expel it again, then the pressure was covering his mouth again.

Slowly, he gained enough control over his lungs to breathe on his own. The world began to fade to black, but that frightened him more than the soldiers. He was dying. He'd never get to apologize to Cougar. He'd never see his niece again.

He began to babble, begging for more time, begging to live. Cougar's voice came out of the void of darkness and quieted him. Soft Spanish filled his ears until he couldn't hear his own thoughts or fears. Cougar was there. Things may not have been good between them, but Cougar was with him when it counted. Jake slowly succumbed to the darkness.

\---

Jake's whole body ached. If this was death, he was not a fan. His limbs protested. He felt exhausted. His tongue felt three sizes too big for his mouth. Then he felt something tighten around his waist.

“Jake, _calm_ ,” Cougar's voice told him as the arm around his waist moved slightly.

Jake tensed, but the thumb against his stomach stroked his skin gently, and it was such a tender motion that Jake relaxed involuntarily.

“You took my medication,” Cougar said quietly, surprisingly unaccusatory for someone who went to such lengths to hide the stuff. “You hallucinated, and it induced a panic attack. You are safe. I am here. You are safe,” Cougar assured him. His breath tickled the back of Jake's neck.

“How do you know that?” Jake slurred because his tongue was still very uncooperative.

“After my team...they sedated me because I would not stop screaming, but the drugs made the flashbacks worse,” Cougar explained. Holding Jake tighter, and Jake wasn't sure who was comforting who.

“I don't feel good,” Jake said. He knew it wasn't the right thing, but his brain also didn't feel so good.

Surprisingly, Cougar chuckled at that deep revelation. “They can do that to you. Do you think you can drink water?”

“I'm not even sure I can open my eyes,” Jake coughed as he tried to open them. They were crusty and dry, and the world was even blurrier than usual when he finally succeeded.

“You broke your glasses while you were thrashing. I can get your spares, or I can stay here until you are steadier,” Cougar said, pressing a bottle of water into Jensen's hand. Cougar muscled him into his lap, so Jake's back was pressed to his chest.

“Why are you being nice to me?” Jake asked after choking on his first sip of water.

“Small sips. I am not cruel. You were in pain. You are my teammate. I would never leave you to that,” Cougar said, steadying Jake's hand, so he didn't chug or spill the water.

“But I'm a freak.”

“Qué?”

“I'm a freak. It's why you attacked me,” Jake said dejectedly. He didn't want to talk about this. His mind was too jumbled to make sense of anything. He did feel grossly embarrassed though, for getting caught stealing Cougar's medication, for freaking out, for allowing himself to show vulnerability.

“Qué?”

“You heard the rumors, so he thought you'd have some fun at my expense. Because I'm a freak. There's something wrong with me...”

“There is nothing wrong with homosexuality, no matter what the Army says,” Cougar said, sounding fierce.

“I'm not gay!”

“But you flirted with me,” Cougar sounded unsure now, small. “You would touch me, and you'd eat my food or share your own. You insisted we share a bed. I thought you were interested in me. I...never mind.”

“I flirt with everyone. I've always flirted with everyone.”

“Oh.”

“You really thought I was interested in you? I mean, like sex wise, um, shit that didn't come out right.” Jake pressed the heel of his hand to his head. It hurt even to think, and it was messing everything up more.

“It isn't important. I am sorry I made assumptions. You kissed me back, and I thought the advances would be welcome. I was mistaken, and I am sorry I frightened you or hurt you,” Cougar didn't stop the soothing way he rubbed Jake's aching stomach, but he sounded like he was retreating.

“You...you were interested in me?” Jake asked softly, disbelieving. How could someone like Cougar like someone as messed up as Jake?

Cougar was quiet for a moment, then he sighed. “I _love_ you.”

“Oh...um wow. I didn't see that coming,” Jake mumbled, completely shocked. “You aren't making fun of me or setting me up for a joke?” he asked even though Cougar sounded more sincere than anyone Jake had ever met.

“Why would I joke about love?”

Jake could probably list a dozen reasons why someone would joke about it, but then Cougar wasn't just someone.

“It's just...” Jake paused for a long time, wrestling with himself over whether to be honest with Cougar. His mind told him not to, but he didn't know any other way to explain what had happened between them. “It's just people in the past have, um, been dicks about it.”

“How so?” Cougar tightened his embrace, and he sounded protective already, and Jake hadn't even gotten anywhere yet.

“Um, well might as well just throw it out there, I guess. I'm not attracted to men or women really. I mean, you're hot. I get that. You're dark and mysterious, and you have awesome eyes, and you're just really good looking. It just doesn't make me want to do dirty things to you? It's the same with women,” Jake tried to explain. Cougar didn't say anything, but he gave Jake an encouraging squeeze, or at least he thought that was what it meant. His Cougar decoder ring was still on the fritz.

“Okay, so I've always sort of known this, and I guess I flirt out of self defense. People don't think you're weird if you're interested in someone, but I guess it's always felt like as soon as you weren't interested in anyone, you were defective. And then I told one of the guys I went to Basic with, and the first thing he asked me was if I preferred animals. I felt like I was the one that had been gut punched.”

Cougar squeezed him again. Then he ran his fingers through Jake's hair, and man, that felt pretty nice. Jake wanted to stop story time and just get some more head rubs instead. Of course, Cougar gently prompted him to continue.

“I promised never to tell again, but it came out with my first team. The guy asked if I was into robots fucking me instead of people, because I didn't fuck a stripper they bought for me. They beat the shit out of me. Broke several of my ribs, and I was the one that got disciplined for it for insubordination. After that, I couldn't keep a team. Part of it was self sabotage. I think I'd fuck up if I got too comfortable with people, and then onto the next.

“Then Clay's team came along, and they didn't care about rumors or anything. Then you showed up, and I thought I really had a friend I could count on, but by then I didn't even think about the flirting or that anyone would take it seriously, and I guess...I don't know why I attacked you. I've just been so fucked in the skull. That night I was still so fucked over the mission, and then I thought you were attacking me or trapping me, and I just struck out, and I—”

“Jake, calm,” Cougar said, holding Jake tighter as he started to panic. “Breathe with me.” Jake took several slow breaths with Cougar, clutching the arm wrapped protectively around him.

“I do not like these men you shared yourself with,” Cougar said it as though Jake had been intimate with them. “You are not a freak,” he nearly spat the word as though it tasted awful in his mouth. “You are a good man. I wish you could have told me, but I do not blame you for what happened.”

“But—”

“ _No_. If there is blame, it rests on those who made you fear for your safety for being you,” Cougar was snarling mad, but it felt good not to be the target of his anger again. Jensen wondered if there would be more gift baskets after this. No, Cougar's idea of justice probably wouldn't be so innocuous this time. Jake could actually feel him shaking from his rage. It made Jake regret not trusting him sooner, but it also felt good to have him now, even after everything. Even after the nightmares and fears, his fucked up brain seemed to want to trust Cougar.

“I'm—”

The door to their room slammed open then, and Cougar was out from behind Jake and on his feet before Jake even registered Clay's blurry figure in the doorway.

“Corporal Jensen, get out of bed and get you're sorry ass over here, you piece of shit. I let you onto my team when no one else would, and this is how you repay me? You try to take out my sniper and then injure yourself to cover it up?”

Jake figured it made perfect sense that Clay would put two and two together and finally get four as soon as Jake and Cougar were working it out. As soon as Jake felt safe again.

Before Jake could start shaking or rambling or running, Cougar was honest to God growling in Clay's face. “Get out,” he hissed, and Jake really wished he had his spare glasses, because he really wanted to see this. All that boiling rage in Cougar going up against mountain that was Clay. Cougar was all sleek muscle, and Clay was huge. He was well over six feet and had a mean punch to remind you that he didn't get to the rank of Lieutenant Colonel by kissing ass. Still, Cougar didn't seem to care at all.

“Stand down, Cougar. You can stop protecting him. He won't come after you again when I'm done with him,” Clay barked, but Cougar didn't budge.

“You do not know what you speak of. Stay out of this!”

“He attacked one of my soldiers. Like Hell, I'm gonna stay out of it. Now, _stand_ _down,_ Sergeant.”

“I attacked him!” Cougar snarled, and Jake's breath caught. No no no, Cougar couldn't take the fall, not after last night and this morning. Not when Jake had finally told him the truth.

“ _What_?”

“I attacked him. He was defending himself,” Cougar sounded so firm. Jensen couldn't bear to hear those words even though they'd been exactly what he'd believed until that morning.

“It was a misunderstanding. He wasn't attacking me. I just thought he was because I don't know what's wrong with my head, sir. I thought he was going to hurt me, but he wasn't, but I just hit out at him and then when he tried to stop me I kicked him and ran, and I—I think I'm terrified that you guys are going to leave me behind on a mission or just let them kill me. I keep having nightmares, and you keep leaving me...”

The words came spilling out, and Jensen just couldn't hold it in anymore as he told them his nightmare and how he'd locked himself in that motel room like they were going to come and kill him. Jake didn't even realize Cougar'd turned his back to Clay and gotten back into his space until he cupped his callused hands around Jake's face and filled his field of vision.

“We'll never leave you behind,” he said softly as Jake trailed off.

“Ah Christ,” Clay sounded as though he'd just gotten a fresh stack of paperwork that needed immediate handling, and Jake supposed if he took a second to think about it, that's exactly what he'd handed him. Though, even Jensen could hear the fight knocked right out of him.

“Are you two on good terms again? Be honest with me for once,” Clay demanded.

“Yeah, we're good. Right, Coug?” Jake asked quietly, wrapping his fingers around the loose fabric of Cougar's shirt.

“Sí, we are good,” Cougar confirmed.

“Thank God. Cougar, keep an eye on him while I sort out what I'm going to do. Expect a long and unpleasant talk when I'm ready, both of you. Got it?” Clay asked.

“Yes sir,” they both replied.

When Clay left muttering about psychiatrists and paperwork, Cougar climbed back into bed. “I will never leave you behind,” he repeated firmly as he ran his thumb along the healing scar at Jake's hairline.

“I think I headbutted a mirror because I didn't like the way my reflection was taunting me,” Jake said sheepishly.

Cougar didn't say anything as he cupped Jake's face in his hands and pressed their foreheads together slowly, telegraphing all of his movements. Jake sighed as they stayed like that for a moment.

“So, do you love me like rub our bits together sort of love or like warm fuzzy feelings?” Jake asked awkwardly.

“I love you like gut wrenching worry when I know you are about to do something stupid, but I don't have eyes on you,” Cougar said, not pulling away.

“That doesn't really sound that pleasant,” Jake admitted.

“I also love you like the peace that comes over you when you listen to the voice of one you cherish.”

“I'm sorry,” Jake said dejectedly.

“Why?”

“Because I can't be all that stuff you want. I...”

“You do not need to be anything but what you are. I would never want you to change.”

“But—”

“This,” Cougar said placing his hand on Jake's inner thigh, closer to his cock than anyone had been in a long time, but not touching him there. “...is not the same as this,” Cougar finished by placing his hand over Jake's heart.

“Okay so, I think I'm really confused right now, but everything really aches, and I don't really want to be alone, but I don't want to be—”

“I will stay as long as you like. Move over,” Cougar said as he settled next to Jake.

“I didn't lie about liking cuddles,” Jake said timidly as Cougar kept his hands to himself. He didn't want to pressure Cougar, but at the same time he didn't want him to think he wasn't welcome.

Jake could hear the snort as Cougar half laid on top of him and rested his head on Jake's chest. That felt good. It felt safe. Cougar had his had over Jake's heart, monitoring him even though the incident was over for now. It actually helped Jake relax.

Jake was rambling about all the updates on his niece that Cougar had missed when Clay came back to their room. It was afternoon by then, and Clay looked as haggard as Jake felt.

“Alright, I'm going to speak with each other you individually and get your story. Coug, let's go,” Clay said, completely ignoring the way they were lying wrapped together on the bed. Pooch was standing outside the door looking worried.

“I will be back,” Cougar promised him before he moved.

Jake watched Cougar sit up and head out of the room with Clay. Pooch came in and sat on Cougar's bed. Clearly, Jake wasn't allowed to be alone. Jake couldn't really blame them. He was even grateful for it. He may not have been up for talking, but just having one of them there was reassuring.

“Man, I'm real sorry,” Pooch said, but Jake wasn't really paying attention. His mind was worrying about Cougar. “I just told him I was worried about you because you were really twitchy about the attack, and then it was like a light bulb went on.”

Jake felt his gut twist, wishing he could go with Cougar, face it together. He couldn't help the way his mind wandered to Cougar's immediate acceptance of what Jake had told him. The way he hadn't tried to manipulate it to benefit himself. The way he hadn't revoked his love. The way he hadn't lived up to any of Jake's fears.

His mind strayed back to Anna and the way she'd simply asked what he did enjoy after he'd told her. She'd just curled up with her head on his chest. He'd forgotten there were people out there that didn't think there was anything wrong with him. _You'll find the right person one day. Just don't be too blind to see it._

The words that had given him so much hope back then came crashing back into his head as he laid there. He'd buried them with his shame over that night, but now they felt like something burning deep inside him.

Had he really been blind or just too afraid to see? Had he been too worried about Cougar's possible rejection to miss that Cougar was more to him than anyone else had ever been? He was the eyes protecting his back. He was the steady presence that had invaded the desolation Jake had felt for years. He was Jake's source of extra french fries. He was the shoulder that saw Jake home safely, and the arm that held him when he was sick.

Jake wasn't really sure what he was going to do as he stumbled out of bed. Pooch asked what was wrong, but Jake waved him off. His clothing stank from nightmare induced sweats, but he didn't bother changing. He just marched out of the room even as his body protested the movement. He marched through the house and down to Clay's office. Pooch was hot on his heels desperately trying to determine what was wrong with him.

Instead of knocking, he pushed right into the room to find Cougar and Clay deep in discussion. Both of them looked at him with concern as he pushed his way in, and before Clay could say anything, Jake spoke.

“I love you, Cougar. I was so scared that I didn't really understand what I was feeling, but I love you. Maybe not in the bit rubbing or ass pounding way, but my insides ache when you do something crazy, and you make me feel safe, and I don't want to be too blind to see the best thing that's happened to me in a long time,” Jake proclaimed.

Cougar gave him an affectionate smile even as Clay put his forehead to his desk, and Pooch choked behind him. “Really Jensen? I didn't hear any of this! Get the hell back to your room, and wait your damn turn. Then when I have the whole damn story, you can profess your... _admiration_ for Cougar in the privacy of your own room with the door firmly shut, where the Army is not going to demand I take action,” Clay barked.

“Oops,” Jake said, not entirely repentant as Cougar laughed in amusement. “Could you just keep your head like that for one more moment then?” Jake asked as he strode forward and pulled Cougar into a quick, chaste kiss before pulling away with a big smile and darted out of the room before Clay could throw something.

Pooch's laughter followed him right back to his room, so they could actually wait like he'd been told. “Cougar looked happy right? Like he isn't going to kick my ass as soon Clay is done with him?” he asked Pooch as he sat on his bed.

“Yeah, he looked happy, man. Looked like he wanted to tell Clay to shove it and follow you back here,” Pooch laughed.

“Yeah, that's what I thought,” Jake couldn't fight his smile.

 


	3. Epilogue

Nine Months Later

Jake was walking back from his appointment with the shrink. Clay may have used his magic to get the 'incident' to disappear, but he'd been adamant about Jensen seeing a doctor, for the whole team's safety. Jake understood it, but he still may have gone kicking and screaming to his first appointment. Pooch had so many copies of the picture of Clay and Roque carrying him by his shoulders and feet that he could probably paper the walls with it. They'd been smart enough to do it while Cougar was in an 'official' meeting, or Jake knew it would've gone down very differently.

The sessions were only check ins at this point to ensure that he was maintaining his mental health. He'd been terrified that they'd discharge him just when he was finally finding his place. However, his ability to do his job from a desk, far away from any sort of combat, allowed him to stay. Jake was still one of the best tech specialists the Army had ever had the luck to get their hands on, though they may not have been entirely aware of the extent of his skills.

He'd made incredible progress as soon as he'd felt acceptance from the whole team. Cougar had suggested he be honest with them, and it had terrified Jake, but he knew that he wouldn't stop fearing their rejection until it was over with. It hadn't happened immediately. Cougar had coaxed him a little at a time, always being sure to remind Jensen of how much the team loved him. Jake never felt pressured by Cougar. He knew that he needed to do it if he was ever going to trust them with his life again since so many of his worries stemmed from it.

He finally told them over a game of cards. It proved enough of a distraction that Cougar didn't even have to be subtle about his cheating. Roque had no idea what he was talking about, and he didn't really care what Jake did in the bedroom so long as it wasn't with him. He'd actually said it just like that too. It was kind of endearing. Pooch was really supportive, but then again he was Pooch who was a supportive kind of guy. He even had his girlfriend bake Jake cookies. Jake was very fond of coming out cookies even if Cougar expected his share of them.

Clay grumbled about dumb soldiers thinking he cared about anything other than their performance in the field. Jake hugged him just to be an ass, and Clay grumbled even more as he returned the embrace.

“Thanks dad,” Jake said, and he got hit upside the head for it, but it was totally worth Clay getting all flushed and flustered about it.

He never mentioned to his shrink about his sexuality, but he talked about his fears of rejection and abandonment in the field. It wasn't easy. His progress wasn't all fast, and he was sidelined for multiple missions. He got intel and helped the team develop their plan of attack, but he waved them goodbye on the tarmac.

Watching the team, especially Cougar, head into danger without him to watch their backs made him all the more determined to get cleared for active duty. Whenever they were away, he'd do the homework the psychologist gave him. He'd push himself more and more.

There had been setbacks though. Cougar found him crouched in the tub after a mission that had gone south in a hurry. Jake had been keeping an eye on them from his computers, and had had an attack when shit went to hell, and he couldn't get satellite confirmation that the team was okay.

Cougar'd climbed in with him and his soiled clothes and held him till he realized that Cougar was alive and with him. Clay forbid him from listening in after that. That had been especially hard, but ultimately necessary.

But now, after months of work, he was cleared for duty. It definitely hadn't been easy, but Jake felt good. He felt healthy, and he felt more capable of addressing his own mind. He credited it, in part, to Cougar. Not all to Coug, because Jake was well aware of all the shit he'd put himself through to get where he was, but it was nice to know Coug had his back through it all.

Cougar had even literally carried Jake across base to his appointments on two occasions when Jake had insisted it was all hopeless after setbacks. He'd sat and covertly held his hand until the doctor saw him, and he'd even sat in on a session when Jake had asked.

Jake took a deep breath of the fresh air as he walked toward Clay's office. He'd still have a lot of physical testing to complete before Clay let him out in the field again. Not that Jake had let his body go during his desk duty. Cougar chased him around the obstacle course more often than the cherries ran it. If Coug was feeling especially playful, he'd let Jake chase him.

As Jake passed several supply sheds, he felt eyes on him. No sooner did that thought pop into his mind than strong arms were dragging him behind the sheds. Insistent arms were wrapped around him before he could shout, and Jake melted into the hug. He buried his fingers in Cougar's hair and let himself be crowded against the wall. 

Cougar had also taken to sneaking up on Jake. It had been a very gradual thing getting Jake used to surprises and sudden attacks, but Cougar was patient. His reward system wasn't so bad either. Remaining calm and in control earned Jake all sorts of fun things like video game time with Cougar. Cougar was not a fan of video games—probably because he couldn't cheat against Jensen—but he'd suffer through an hour of it for Jake's progress. The first time Jake actually calmly took control and pushed Cougar's back to the wall after being ambushed, Coug had dragged him back to the house and held him while they watched cartoons the rest of the day, and Pooch had cooked them all really rare steaks. A part of Jake knew he should feel like he was being babied by them, but the much larger part of him knew they were trying the best way that they knew how to show their support.

“Coug, Coug. I got cleared,” Jake told him happily with his nose still buried in Cougar's neck. Cougar pulled back enough to give him a pleased smile and leaned in for kiss. 

“We should celebrate,” Cougar suggested, kissing along Jake's neck. 

“Celebratory cuddle puddle?” Jake asked running his fingers through Cougar's long hair.

“Anything you like,” Cougar agreed, holding Jensen tightly.

“I like the sound of that. Meet me at the house in twenty? I need to report to Clay before anything,” Jake suggested, and Cougar gave him a nod, skulking off like the dangerous weapon he was. The other soldiers gave him a wide berth as though at any moment he might shoot them all. If only they knew what a softy he was when he was with Jake, they'd all snicker instead of sidestep. Then again, maybe Cougar  _would_ shoot them then.

Twenty minutes later, Jake stepped into the room he still shared with Cougar. He'd barely crossed the threshold before Cougar pounced on him. 

“Hey there, kitty,” Jake laughed as Cougar held him close. 

“Everything go well with Clay?” Cougar asked even as he crowded Jake toward the bed. Jake went easily, holding onto Cougar as they moved.

“Yeah, obviously he's gonna monitor me close an' all, but he looked really close to happy when I told him,” Jake laughed. “He also said we're all going out to celebrate, so we have to cut our time short.”

Cougar captured his lips as soon as he finished speaking. When the backs of his knees hit the bed, Cougar grabbed his belt buckle. Jake didn't flinch. Instead he laughed, and pulled his drab t-shirt out of his pants and out of Cougar's way.

“Naked cuddles, huh? We must be celebrating something really special,” Jake joked as Cougar shoved his pants down his legs. Jake took care of his shirt while Cougar undid his boots. Cougar stripped himself with practiced ease before basically pouncing on Jake again.

He rolled Jake onto his back on the bed and pinned him down, their dog tags getting tangled as they held onto each other. “Proud of you,” he said as he looked down into Jake's eyes.

“Oh yeah? Would you be saying that if you didn't know I'd been stockpiling the little chocolates from the head shrinker's office to give to you when I got cleared?” Jake asked with a smug smile.

“I would be proud of you even if you'd never been cleared,” he said, cupping Jake's face with one hand. 

Jake hadn't been prepared for that response, and he just looked up at Cougar in awe for a moment. “That's good, because I ate a lot of those candies while you were on missions, and I was worried sick.”

Cougar laughed at that, then leaned down to kiss Jake soundly. He let Jensen roll onto his side and use the remote he'd fashioned for his computer to put cartoons on. The large screen faced Jake's bed, and Cougar pulled Jake to his chest. He kissed the back of his neck as he draped his leg over Jake's, almost making a cocoon around him. Then he tugged up the pair of blankets that they'd piled on Jensen's bed, wrapping those around them as well.

Jake was still getting used to Cougar's love of nudity. He'd seen Cougar strip naked in the field without so much as batting an eye long before the incident. He wasn't afraid to take his clothes off for a mission, but he also genuinely liked to be naked or close to it when it was just them. 

At first, Jake thought he was just trying to distance himself from the fatigues they wore around base, but Jake didn't really get it. It wasn't like they were having sex, and other than Cougar's constant nakedness he wasn't pushing Jake for sex. Jake had kept his clothes firmly in place while Cougar walked around the room baring all. Then Jake started to read Cougar's body the same way he read Cougar's expressions. He could tell how many hours Cougar had been up from the line of his back. He could tell how much his knee ached from the slight variations in his gait. 

Naked time, as Jake fondly began to call it, eventually became Jake's favorite time, especially when he was having a setback or feeling high levels of anxiety. He could read Cougar like a book then, and it eased his mind just a little. Cougar was sneaky like that. He somehow knew things that would help Jake or make him feel better just by instinct, and Jake didn't always understand his methods at first, but he had to admit they were pretty effective.

Eventually, Jake dropped his clothes and let Cougar read him the same way. Cougar was twice as attentive to Jake's moods then. He'd come over and massage Jake's shoulders when they got too tight, then he'd go back to what he was doing. He'd wrap himself around Jake when his leg twitch would start going. He'd run his fingers though Jake's hair when his body tensed and his rambling took a nervous tone.

And while Jake had become very well acquainted with every bit of Cougar's body through these touches and embraces, Cougar managed to keep it fairly platonic.  Except when they were kissing. Those weren't very platonic at all. Jake didn't mind that though. 

He and Cougar had had their longest conversation to date over their relationship. In truth, it was the longest one that Cougar led. Jake had once talked to him about the mating habits of water buffalo for 18 hours straight during a mission, complete with sound effects.

It hadn't been right away either. Cougar had waited almost two months before he asked Jake if he was ready to talk. Jake had immediately said, “Sure, Coug. What you want to talk about?” When Cougar had said it was about them, Jake had been a lot less certain. 

The talk hadn't exactly put too many labels on things. Okay maybe it had, but it was Jake's doing not Cougar's. They were best friends, and Jake wasn't opposed to the term boyfriends between them. Jake's preferred term, however, was snuggle-buddies. Snuggle-amigos also got tossed around fairly regularly, much to Cougar's eye rolling displeasure. Snuggle soldiers had been vetoed by Cougar, but Jake was trying to make cuddle cadets a thing. Jake was also just waiting for the right drunken night to roll out Corporal Cuddle-Monster and Sergeant Snuggley-Sniper. Hopefully, if he got Pooch's backing, Cougar wouldn't be able to shoot it down immediately, especially since he'd had that patches for their uniforms made up already. Maybe he could even convince Clay to call him that over the comms.

Cougar pulled Jake to his chest and ran his fingers through his hair. Jake really loved that. “It will be good to have you back,” Cougar admitted as he held Jake close.

“Because you wish you had someone to warm your cold feet on missions?”

“Because you are very good at what you do, and the whole team benefits from your presence,” Cougar said.

“And because you wish you had a foot warmer?”

Jake didn't need to look up to know that Cougar was rolling his eyes. Jake wasn't always sure what Cougar got out of their relationship. Jake knew he was the luckiest guy in the world. Cougar listened to him. He held Jake when the noise in his brain got to be too much. He never asked for more than Jake could give. He always had Jake's back.

Jake just didn't really know what he gave Cougar. The one time he'd asked Cougar, all he'd said was  _esperanza_ . Jake didn't think he was the person that should be giving anyone hope, but then Cougar had seen and done things most people would never understand. So, maybe in his fucked up way Jake could give hope to someone like Cougar. Maybe hope was all that Cougar needed. After all, his job was to steal it from others, but Jake guessed each bullet that found its mark stripped a bit of hope from Cougar too. 

“Jake, you aren't paying attention. You always laugh at this part. What is on your mind?” Cougar asked, pushing himself up so he could look into Jensen's eyes.

“Huh? Oh, just thinkin' about us,” Jake said, giving him a dopey smile. “What part do I always laugh at?” he asked, knowing very well that Cougar watched him as much as the cartoon. 

“The part where the little super hero girls save the town,” Cougar said. His dark hair was falling in his face, and it made Jake smile. Jake never saw the wild animal a lot of the other soldiers saw when they looked at Cougar. Maybe that was part of why they worked, the weren't blinded by each others flaws, of which Jake knew there were many. They still saw the good in each other.

“They are the Power Puff Girls, and it's the  _City_ of Townsville, Coug. Also, I'm totally Bubbles. Don't you think?” he asked rolling Cougar onto his back and sitting on his stomach.

Cougar shook his head in mock exasperation. Really, Cougar was dating an overgrown child, he should've been used to this by now.

“Don't be like that. I can tell you're jealous. If you're really nice to me. I might let you be Buttercup, but you're more like the Mayor. Oh, Jake help! How do I turn on this computer? What does this little ear piece thingy do?”

Cougar growled and wrestled Jake until he had the larger man beneath him. Jake squeaked as Cougar began to tickle him mercilessly until Jake was fighting for breath.

“Okay, fine you're definitely Buttercup or Mojo Jojo, you fiend!” Jake wheezed, and Cougar picked up where he'd left off tickling him. Jake started laughing uncontrollably again.

Things weren't perfect. Jake had bad days, and Cougar couldn't get him through all of his rough patches with the three Cs—cuddles, cartoons, and candy—but Jake was fighting his way there. And maybe Jake had been looking for the wrong thing all along. Maybe, like Cougar, all Jake had needed was a little hope when he thought he was all out of it.

 


End file.
